Stand-Up Performed By a Comic With No Social Life
“The other night I got so wasted, I started underlining in a library book!!!!”
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“You know how you have that one bar where you can sit alone and no one talks to you? And then you have that other bar where if you sit alone, that one crazy guy’s going to come talk to you?
I can never decide which I prefer.”
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“So, I can hear every word my upstairs neighbor says. Every freaking word. I feel like I know this girl intimately, know everything about her and her friends, and so forth. The other day, it finally occurred to me…if I can hear her, she can probably hear me!
But then I realized I never talk, because there’s no one in my life.”
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“You know how when you’re filling out forms at work and stuff, they always ask, like, next of kin, beneficiary, emergency contact…yeah, since I have no family, I always put, like, Oprah. Or Nicholas Cage. I’m just zany like that.”
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“You know how sometimes you’re with your friends and you’re messing around…? Yeah. I’m jealous of that.”
